It’s been a while… again 😅 I have been wanting to get back to this for a few months since I am finally finding some stability in my life.

Last year was a year of transformation. I had to hit not quite another rock bottom, but close, so I could get to the wonderful life I have now. I made some poor decisions, had not-so-healthy people in my life, and had to face more of my issues head on that made me grow even more.

I say poor decisions, but in reality I knew I had to quit that job and cut certain people out of my life because they were not safe for me. It all appeared erratic outside looking in, but my heart knew things just weren’t right and true. I am proud of myself for listening to my truth – a practice I’ve been focused on for a few years now. Truth doesn’t mean easy, clean, or clear necessarily. It is rather a simplicity, an alignment with that which is unchanging within you – an alignment with source.

And now I feel more aligned than I have in… well, maybe a decade. I have fought tooth an nail for myself, and now I feel, dare I say, ok. I’m ok. When I had my last therapy session before I moved for my new job last year, she asked what I wanted to talk about. I said, “Ummm, maybe how I might be… ok?” Her eyes went wide, spitting out a breath as she said, “Woooaaa… that’s a big topic! You wanna do that now?” I was surprised by her reaction at first. But then I realized how big of a deal that really was for me, after all I had been through and worked through.

It’s important for anyone to reflect on themselves, whether for mindfulness, mental health, or even giving yourself kudos that you deserve! Life is hard, man. You never know what someone is carrying around with them. Give yourself the grace of humanity that we don’t give ourselves enough. Hell yea you accomplished x despite y. My god you went through unfathomable hell, and yet here you still are.

Back Surgery

Between my last post to now, I had frickin’ back surgery. I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease in two discs: L4-L5, L5-S1. Yea, tell that to a practicing yogini of 13 years. Both had varying degrees of protrusion, with the L5-S1 disc being severely herniated pressing directly against my spinal cord. The pain was manageable for the first 2.5 years, until it became unbearable. I was bedridden for three weeks waiting for surgery, and I was terrified. One sneeze of the surgeon, and I could be paralyzed from the waist down. They removed 5 CHUNKS of herniated disc. And the surgeon explained my poor spinal cord was so bruised, it would take years to heal. But, thankfully, it was a success, although only a treatment of a symptom compared to they broader issue.

I knew recovery would be tough, but I was grateful to still be able to use my body. I was in much less pain, but not pain free. The elliptical became my new best friend since I was advised against running – low impact everything from now on. Which, thankfully, didn’t really impact what I was doing before. Mobility was crucial for my healing process and general well-being.

I slowly, carefully did yoga. I reworked a whole new baby yoga flow. And I started working my upper body more using free weights (low weight, high rep) and some calisthenics. This routine has progressed and grown over the last year and a half since the surgery, and I am very proud of how far I’ve come.

I still sometimes get random shooting spasms of pain from weird sitting or standing transitions. I still sit at about a constant 3 pain level. Laying down feels the best with minimal pain. All because the structural integrity of my Lumbar spine and Sacrum is still corrupt. But better. I’ve had to change the way I walk and stand because I had a serious anterior tilt (stuck out this booty too much 😂). The space between my L5-S1 is still compressed. The average spacing between my vertebrae is 14mm, but for L5-S1 it’s 9mm. I do need to get a new scan, though, as that is data from almost 2 years ago now. I’ve been using an inversion table (Teeter FitSpine) religiously, but I’m not sure how effective it is to creating space between those two vertebrae. Otherwise, it certainly helps with the pain and providing mobility to that area.

I think all of this relates to the next chapter I’ve begun – calming my nervous system. I’ve been in sympathetic mode, or survival mode, for a decade. Now, I don’t need to be. I can understand why my body did what it did, but it no longer serves me and, in fact, is hurting me now. I am more sensitive to stress, my immune system has been shot, and I am TIRED. Being in a heightened state chronically takes it’s toll.

I find myself consciously tell my body and breath, it’s ok, you can breath normally. You can release your diaphragm – the muscle I have kept chronically tight for a decade because that is where my subconscious decided to store my trauma. But my diaphragm’s default or normal position has been to be tight, so having to rewire that has been and will be a long process.

I was excited to find this image because it makes me feel validated. I am full of so much fear, shame, and anger, and boy do I store is right there. Trust is a big one I deal with as well, making it difficult for me to find words, feel safe to express myself, and speak up naturally.

Overall, I am aligned with the path I’m on. There is still much work to be done, but last year’s struggles were present to drag me on to this path so I can move forward. Damn it took several years to get to this point. Don’t mind me while I give myself a pat on the back ☺️