I came across this quote the other day that really struck me.
For years I spent walking through life with a foggy filter in my brain and gaze, just trying to get by. Just trying to survive. I didn’t get really know it was there – all I knew was that I wasn’t going to let my trauma destroy my life.
But year after year, the person that I had to become to survive grew out of hand. She would lose control more often, spiral into dark, hollow depressions, put so much energy into maintaining and putting on masks. All for the sake of graduating. For the sake of still fulfilling her dreams of living abroad. For the sake of getting her graduate degree.
My protective mechanisms began to destroy me over time.
I felt incredibly misunderstood. There is not handbook for when your father molests you. Step 1: Don’t even atry to pick up the pieces – your heart and soul have been utterly obliterated. Step 2: Become a zombie inside, but maintain like everything is fine and normal on the outside. Step 3: Project, project, project. Be scared of everyone. You can’t trust anyone – let alone yourself. You knew him your whole life and never saw the signs?
So vicious. Unforgiving. Ruthless. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
I realized that I was indulging in my suffering. Which is an incredibly difficult lesson to learn because of course I have every right to be angry and devastated. And I was. And I still am. But my relationship with those emotions have shifted. At some point, it is a choice. But you can never force or rush this process. If someone had tried to explain this to me five years ago, I probably would have lashed out.
Over ten years later, and I couldn’t have even fathomed the life I have now. I would’ve never dreamed it for myself. A home. A stable, loving relationship. A steady job that pays well. My pets. Being able to pay rent. Afford car payments. Clothes. Food.
And don’t get me started on my personal debt. Shopping was a coping mechanism for my unrelenting sorrow. And I didn’t plan on being around to pay for the consequences. But now I can afford my debt bills, too.
I still don’t have much to my name financially. But oh boy am I now teeming with gratitude, resilience, formidable strength, and, dare I say, joy.
So after the unnavigable process of suffering and healing I’ve endured, I finally feel like I know what step I’m on. Where I can finally get my bearings. Where I can finally focus. Where I can live. And that involves letting go of the person I had to become to survive.
I love her deeply. I hug her as I release her from chains, tending to her wounds. I wipe her tears, and say over and over, “I love you. You are free. I am okay now.”
It’s been a while… again 😅 I have been wanting to get back to this for a few months since I am finally finding some stability in my life.
Last year was a year of transformation. I had to hit not quite another rock bottom, but close, so I could get to the wonderful life I have now. I made some poor decisions, had not-so-healthy people in my life, and had to face more of my issues head on that made me grow even more.
I say poor decisions, but in reality I knew I had to quit that job and cut certain people out of my life because they were not safe for me. It all appeared erratic outside looking in, but my heart knew things just weren’t right and true. I am proud of myself for listening to my truth – a practice I’ve been focused on for a few years now. Truth doesn’t mean easy, clean, or clear necessarily. It is rather a simplicity, an alignment with that which is unchanging within you – an alignment with source.
And now I feel more aligned than I have in… well, maybe a decade. I have fought tooth an nail for myself, and now I feel, dare I say, ok. I’m ok. When I had my last therapy session before I moved for my new job last year, she asked what I wanted to talk about. I said, “Ummm, maybe how I might be… ok?” Her eyes went wide, spitting out a breath as she said, “Woooaaa… that’s a big topic! You wanna do that now?” I was surprised by her reaction at first. But then I realized how big of a deal that really was for me, after all I had been through and worked through.
It’s important for anyone to reflect on themselves, whether for mindfulness, mental health, or even giving yourself kudos that you deserve! Life is hard, man. You never know what someone is carrying around with them. Give yourself the grace of humanity that we don’t give ourselves enough. Hell yea you accomplished x despite y. My god you went through unfathomable hell, and yet here you still are.
Back Surgery
Between my last post to now, I had frickin’ back surgery. I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease in two discs: L4-L5, L5-S1. Yea, tell that to a practicing yogini of 13 years. Both had varying degrees of protrusion, with the L5-S1 disc being severely herniated pressing directly against my spinal cord. The pain was manageable for the first 2.5 years, until it became unbearable. I was bedridden for three weeks waiting for surgery, and I was terrified. One sneeze of the surgeon, and I could be paralyzed from the waist down. They removed 5 CHUNKS of herniated disc. And the surgeon explained my poor spinal cord was so bruised, it would take years to heal. But, thankfully, it was a success, although only a treatment of a symptom compared to they broader issue.
I knew recovery would be tough, but I was grateful to still be able to use my body. I was in much less pain, but not pain free. The elliptical became my new best friend since I was advised against running – low impact everything from now on. Which, thankfully, didn’t really impact what I was doing before. Mobility was crucial for my healing process and general well-being.
I slowly, carefully did yoga. I reworked a whole new baby yoga flow. And I started working my upper body more using free weights (low weight, high rep) and some calisthenics. This routine has progressed and grown over the last year and a half since the surgery, and I am very proud of how far I’ve come.
I still sometimes get random shooting spasms of pain from weird sitting or standing transitions. I still sit at about a constant 3 pain level. Laying down feels the best with minimal pain. All because the structural integrity of my Lumbar spine and Sacrum is still corrupt. But better. I’ve had to change the way I walk and stand because I had a serious anterior tilt (stuck out this booty too much 😂). The space between my L5-S1 is still compressed. The average spacing between my vertebrae is 14mm, but for L5-S1 it’s 9mm. I do need to get a new scan, though, as that is data from almost 2 years ago now. I’ve been using an inversion table (Teeter FitSpine) religiously, but I’m not sure how effective it is to creating space between those two vertebrae. Otherwise, it certainly helps with the pain and providing mobility to that area.
I think all of this relates to the next chapter I’ve begun – calming my nervous system. I’ve been in sympathetic mode, or survival mode, for a decade. Now, I don’t need to be. I can understand why my body did what it did, but it no longer serves me and, in fact, is hurting me now. I am more sensitive to stress, my immune system has been shot, and I am TIRED. Being in a heightened state chronically takes it’s toll.
I find myself consciously tell my body and breath, it’s ok, you can breath normally. You can release your diaphragm – the muscle I have kept chronically tight for a decade because that is where my subconscious decided to store my trauma. But my diaphragm’s default or normal position has been to be tight, so having to rewire that has been and will be a long process.
I was excited to find this image because it makes me feel validated. I am full of so much fear, shame, and anger, and boy do I store is right there. Trust is a big one I deal with as well, making it difficult for me to find words, feel safe to express myself, and speak up naturally.
Overall, I am aligned with the path I’m on. There is still much work to be done, but last year’s struggles were present to drag me on to this path so I can move forward. Damn it took several years to get to this point. Don’t mind me while I give myself a pat on the back ☺️
So much has happened in the last two years. It seems like a movie… pandemic, civil unrest, political brainwashing, corruption, insurrection, the ever looming climate crisis, and now war. And for me personally, I left a long-term relationship, moved home, jumped into another relationship, finished my Master’s degree, realized the new relationship turned out to be toxic, was let go from my boys club uncomfortable corporate job (they beat me to the punch), got triggered from a previous traumatic event, had a mental breakdown, sought mental health treatment, got back into teaching yoga and worked part-time, and then got offered a government job in another city. Whew… it’s been a lot to say the least.
People have been going through incredible changes in their lives these past couple years. Some good and wonderful, some bad and devastating. I’ve heard all sorts of stories, and I wonder how we are all able to get by. Support, friends, partners have helped tremendously. Relatable memes have also helped…
One major realization I’ve had is how unstable I’ve felt, even before the pandemic. I haven’t felt stable in years due to unresolved trauma and not taking time for me. Once I was able to get intensive mental health treatment, I finally had time to sit, process, and deal with things that I consciously and subconsciously tucked away. In the years prior, I was dealing with certain things and making progress in some areas, but I knew deep down there was more to be done.
September 2021. Day 28 of 42 at the mental health treatment center
It was tough work. The schedule consisted of classes Monday through Friday from 9am to 4pm that included Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Processing, Healthy Relationships, Nutrition, Music Therapy, Art Therapy, Horticulture, and Drumming. I learned about my triggers and their warning signs, why they’re there, using all sorts of new coping skills, how my mind works, my impulses, my attachment issues, how to deal with sleep issues, and more. It truly was a life-changing experience.
But mental health is a constant practice. Just now I’m really feeling that I’ve digested the majority of the experience, but not all of it. For someone like me who is a slow processor, it takes time. I’m still living at home, so becomes difficult to truly move forward because I’m constantly at odds with the idea that I’m failure. How I shouldn’t be living at home at 27. But I’ve realized that 1) the wealth disparity and wage issues are insane, and 2) so many people my age and even older are doing the same thing.
This new job, however, has validated my hard-work and resilience with my academic career, my ability to keep going despite the circumstances of my life, and the belief in myself. That’s another focus of mine—believing in myself more. Realizing I’ve been through hell and back, so I can do anything I set my mind to. The words joyful, excitement, thrilled or relieved don’t quite capture this feeling I have… Just a “I knew it!” That this opportunity was out there and will be recognized by someone who values my skills and will compensate me accordingly. That I will eventually have my own place, and, most importantly, I will feel stability. In my mind and in my body. I’m ready and eager to start this next chapter!
I started doing yoga when I was 15 years old, but my practice began when I was 18 years old. My high school boyfriend’s mom introduced me to a hot (and I mean 100 degrees, 60% humidity HOT) yoga studio, and I freakin’ loved it. I loved how open I was able to get with the heat, how much I sweated, and how I felt completely worked out and detoxified at the end of class. The asana was more of my focus at the time since I was not truly aware of the mental, emotional, and spiritual depth yoga had to offer. So that is why I describe that era a ‘do’, and not a ‘practice’.
When I was 18 years old, my outlook on the future of my life was closing in with college applications, choosing which ones, costs, and choosing a Gap Year or not. I desperately wanted to travel as my travel bug was on fire ever since I went abroad for the first time when I was 16. The bug was strong even before then, but after a taste, it needed more.
I was living in a nice, safe little bubble. I attended a private school that I had been going to since I was 9 years old. There was only 137 people in my class, so I knew everyone. I had lived in the same house for 12 years in the same town I was born in. I didn’t realize it at the time, but despite my curiosity and passion of travel, I had gotten used to this bubble. And I was scared to leave it.
I started gaining weight via this underlying stress, which for me was new. I was always a skinny and fairly tall girl. But as 2013 rolled around, I gained about 15 pounds in three months. Personally, this was horrifying and confusing. I never gained that kind of weight in my life, let alone in that time period. I started going to yoga more and more (before I would go every now and again), so much I would go 5 times a week. But the weight stayed. I didn’t get it.
2012 (ignore my hair creating a lovely mustache for me)
2014
As I questioned and wondered, my mind started searching beyond the normal ideas. I began to self-reflect on my life—where I was going, what I was wanting to do—and how it made me feel. Then, I felt myself become more aware of the yoga between the lines. No longer was I just listening to the cues, I was hearing the philosophies that crept into each class, I finally understood and felt what certain cues meant, physical and mental. Things started to click more and more as my mind began to open and I was willing to surrender my ego. This is when my practice began. And this is when my life changed.
I decided that hell yes I’m gonna take a Gap Year and then go to school for science, animals, and ecology and hey, maybe get yoga teacher certified. These were the things I was passionate about and felt inexplicably drawn to. And so I did them. I did exactly what my gut told me to do. My life changed because I decided to trust my gut—trust myself. And it didn’t even feel like a decision, but rather a slide into what was already there, waiting to be listened to. I just had to be willing to open, and the rest came.
In 2016, I was a broken hearted mess. I was broken up with, I was still reeling from a personal trauma, and I was feeling completely abandoned and alone. One of my best friend’s mother sent me a link to this life-changing YouTube video of Gangaji, a spiritual teacher (although she wouldn’t call herself that), speaking on a topic called ‘The Courage to Give up Hope’. At first, it confused me. Our culture, society, movies, loved ones all tell us to never give up hope. But Gangaji invited those who were willing to been vulnerable in the feelings that come up when you give up hope for just a moment. To let all those deep rooted, gut wrenching, heart breaking feelings be felt. She does not say to not hope at all, but to be willing to go deeper and experience what is there. Often fear comes up, but once you give yourself permission to let go, freedom sets in.
It changed my life instantly in that moment. I remember listening to her whole talk and feeling my neurons reconnect and reshape trying to grasp this mind-bending information.
It wasn’t until 2019 that I dove into the rest of her talks. I had a long drive to school, so I would listen to Gangaji’s several podcasts. Each one opened my mind, spirituality, and heart space further. She encourages opening – to open to what is already here, what your are experiencing, your thoughts, your feelings. Knowing that you are not your thoughts or feelings. She encourages stopping – to stop with the habits, thought patterns, monkey mind, and be where you are. Sit in the silence. She encourages self-inquiry without judgement and experience whatever arises.
I appreciate her approach on ‘spiritual’ topics, and how she does not claim to be a guru or someone on a pedastal waiting for followers to worship her at her feet. She doesn’t want that. It is easy to see that through her own journey of spirituality, suffering, and life, Gangaji has been humbled by her truth.
Gangaji’s teachings have helped me ‘stop’ more often, judge less often, become aware more often, and see life through a more open and freeing space that comes from love. Personally, I have always been a more positive person, wanting others to feel happy and good and feeding off that energy. I also enjoy my alone by myself because I am fun and funny with myself. I always thought something was wrong with me. Throughout my life, people have described me as someone who smiles all the time, might laugh too loud, cheerful, positive, and so on. Most people around me weren’t like that, so I felt out of place. When I have experienced deep suffering in my life, I thought I had lost this inner bright flame of mine, but I every time, it would feel its presence re-emerge once I opened. Gangaji has reminded me of the power of opening and of that which is unchanging – the truth of who you are – all of it is always there. No matter the suffering, failures, joys, excitement, sorrows, monotony, and disappointments.
It is refreshing to hear someone say, oh, you feel suffering? Then feel it. Many believe that you must fix it or overcome it. But that is not the truth. Suffering is there is be heard, felt, experienced. From this surrender, freedom will come. The point is not to end suffering – that is an impossible task. Suffering is innately and intimately tied to life as we live it. But rather, the point is to experience it all. To be free of it, we must be free with it.
The manager of the yoga studio I work at gave generous gifts! She gave all of us teachers a book on the physiology of yoga, a Lululemon gift card (yogis that love lulu?! What.. :P), and a beautiful sage bundle.
Holiday Gifts from the yoga studio I teach at.The beautiful sage bundle I also received.
I am so grateful and excited to receive these gifts. My partner and I actually use sage all the time (especially when we are gassy lol!). But it is cleansing and lovely to have on hand.
A good brushing-up on yoga physiology is always a good thing. Plus the visuals in this book are fantastic! Definitely going in my yoga book collection.
And Lululemon… how I love thee and your stretchy, soft materials 😍
* * * * *
I have a bad shopping habit (I do it too much), but have been really working on it lately. I have told myself to only buy what I absolutely love. Anything less, is it worth it? How often will you really wear it? In addition, I am trying to de-clutter my life and only have the essentials and decorations that I truly love to display. I have definitely gotten caught up in this commercialized world, and that’s ok, it’s difficult not to. But I am glad I’ve turned my attention towards these wanting and shopping patterns I have. It is easy to grasp for things to find ‘happiness’. But I’ve been learning that the more simple you live, the more space you create for more meaningful experiences and relationships. I know that I do not need much to live. And if you want somethings, that’s ok too. Ultimately, I believe it comes down to the question of how you want to live your life. With clutter and meaningless stuff? Or with the riches of experience, loved ones, and exploration?
Hannah Lee's Blog 