Tag: suffering

Healing by Letting Go

Hannah LeeLeave a comment

I came across this quote the other day that really struck me.

For years I spent walking through life with a foggy filter in my brain and gaze, just trying to get by. Just trying to survive. I didn’t get really know it was there – all I knew was that I wasn’t going to let my trauma destroy my life.

But year after year, the person that I had to become to survive grew out of hand. She would lose control more often, spiral into dark, hollow depressions, put so much energy into maintaining and putting on masks. All for the sake of graduating. For the sake of still fulfilling her dreams of living abroad. For the sake of getting her graduate degree.

My protective mechanisms began to destroy me over time.

I felt incredibly misunderstood. There is not handbook for when your father molests you. Step 1: Don’t even atry to pick up the pieces – your heart and soul have been utterly obliterated. Step 2: Become a zombie inside, but maintain like everything is fine and normal on the outside. Step 3: Project, project, project. Be scared of everyone. You can’t trust anyone – let alone yourself. You knew him your whole life and never saw the signs?

So vicious. Unforgiving. Ruthless. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I realized that I was indulging in my suffering. Which is an incredibly difficult lesson to learn because of course I have every right to be angry and devastated. And I was. And I still am. But my relationship with those emotions have shifted. At some point, it is a choice. But you can never force or rush this process. If someone had tried to explain this to me five years ago, I probably would have lashed out.

Over ten years later, and I couldn’t have even fathomed the life I have now. I would’ve never dreamed it for myself. A home. A stable, loving relationship. A steady job that pays well. My pets. Being able to pay rent. Afford car payments. Clothes. Food.

And don’t get me started on my personal debt. Shopping was a coping mechanism for my unrelenting sorrow. And I didn’t plan on being around to pay for the consequences. But now I can afford my debt bills, too.

I still don’t have much to my name financially. But oh boy am I now teeming with gratitude, resilience, formidable strength, and, dare I say, joy.

So after the unnavigable process of suffering and healing I’ve endured, I finally feel like I know what step I’m on. Where I can finally get my bearings. Where I can finally focus. Where I can live. And that involves letting go of the person I had to become to survive.

I love her deeply. I hug her as I release her from chains, tending to her wounds. I wipe her tears, and say over and over, “I love you. You are free. I am okay now.”

But this is also a journey. And such is healing.

Gangaji: Where I find Guidance

Hannah LeeLeave a comment

In 2016, I was a broken hearted mess. I was broken up with, I was still reeling from a personal trauma, and I was feeling completely abandoned and alone. One of my best friend’s mother sent me a link to this life-changing YouTube video of Gangaji, a spiritual teacher (although she wouldn’t call herself that), speaking on a topic called ‘The Courage to Give up Hope’. At first, it confused me. Our culture, society, movies, loved ones all tell us to never give up hope. But Gangaji invited those who were willing to been vulnerable in the feelings that come up when you give up hope for just a moment. To let all those deep rooted, gut wrenching, heart breaking feelings be felt. She does not say to not hope at all, but to be willing to go deeper and experience what is there. Often fear comes up, but once you give yourself permission to let go, freedom sets in.

It changed my life instantly in that moment. I remember listening to her whole talk and feeling my neurons reconnect and reshape trying to grasp this mind-bending information.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I dove into the rest of her talks. I had a long drive to school, so I would listen to Gangaji’s several podcasts. Each one opened my mind, spirituality, and heart space further. She encourages opening – to open to what is already here, what your are experiencing, your thoughts, your feelings. Knowing that you are not your thoughts or feelings. She encourages stopping – to stop with the habits, thought patterns, monkey mind, and be where you are. Sit in the silence. She encourages self-inquiry without judgement and experience whatever arises.

I appreciate her approach on ‘spiritual’ topics, and how she does not claim to be a guru or someone on a pedastal waiting for followers to worship her at her feet. She doesn’t want that. It is easy to see that through her own journey of spirituality, suffering, and life, Gangaji has been humbled by her truth.

Gangaji’s teachings have helped me ‘stop’ more often, judge less often, become aware more often, and see life through a more open and freeing space that comes from love. Personally, I have always been a more positive person, wanting others to feel happy and good and feeding off that energy. I also enjoy my alone by myself because I am fun and funny with myself. I always thought something was wrong with me. Throughout my life, people have described me as someone who smiles all the time, might laugh too loud, cheerful, positive, and so on. Most people around me weren’t like that, so I felt out of place. When I have experienced deep suffering in my life, I thought I had lost this inner bright flame of mine, but I every time, it would feel its presence re-emerge once I opened. Gangaji has reminded me of the power of opening and of that which is unchanging – the truth of who you are – all of it is always there. No matter the suffering, failures, joys, excitement, sorrows, monotony, and disappointments.

It is refreshing to hear someone say, oh, you feel suffering? Then feel it. Many believe that you must fix it or overcome it. But that is not the truth. Suffering is there is be heard, felt, experienced. From this surrender, freedom will come. The point is not to end suffering – that is an impossible task. Suffering is innately and intimately tied to life as we live it. But rather, the point is to experience it all. To be free of it, we must be free with it.