mental health – Hannah Lee’s Blog

I came across this quote the other day that really struck me.

For years I spent walking through life with a foggy filter in my brain and gaze, just trying to get by. Just trying to survive. I didn’t get really know it was there – all I knew was that I wasn’t going to let my trauma destroy my life.

But year after year, the person that I had to become to survive grew out of hand. She would lose control more often, spiral into dark, hollow depressions, put so much energy into maintaining and putting on masks. All for the sake of graduating. For the sake of still fulfilling her dreams of living abroad. For the sake of getting her graduate degree.

My protective mechanisms began to destroy me over time.

I felt incredibly misunderstood. There is not handbook for when your father molests you. Step 1: Don’t even atry to pick up the pieces – your heart and soul have been utterly obliterated. Step 2: Become a zombie inside, but maintain like everything is fine and normal on the outside. Step 3: Project, project, project. Be scared of everyone. You can’t trust anyone – let alone yourself. You knew him your whole life and never saw the signs?

So vicious. Unforgiving. Ruthless. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I realized that I was indulging in my suffering. Which is an incredibly difficult lesson to learn because of course I have every right to be angry and devastated. And I was. And I still am. But my relationship with those emotions have shifted. At some point, it is a choice. But you can never force or rush this process. If someone had tried to explain this to me five years ago, I probably would have lashed out.

Over ten years later, and I couldn’t have even fathomed the life I have now. I would’ve never dreamed it for myself. A home. A stable, loving relationship. A steady job that pays well. My pets. Being able to pay rent. Afford car payments. Clothes. Food.

And don’t get me started on my personal debt. Shopping was a coping mechanism for my unrelenting sorrow. And I didn’t plan on being around to pay for the consequences. But now I can afford my debt bills, too.

I still don’t have much to my name financially. But oh boy am I now teeming with gratitude, resilience, formidable strength, and, dare I say, joy.

So after the unnavigable process of suffering and healing I’ve endured, I finally feel like I know what step I’m on. Where I can finally get my bearings. Where I can finally focus. Where I can live. And that involves letting go of the person I had to become to survive.

I love her deeply. I hug her as I release her from chains, tending to her wounds. I wipe her tears, and say over and over, “I love you. You are free. I am okay now.”

But this is also a journey. And such is healing.

So much has happened in the last two years. It seems like a movie… pandemic, civil unrest, political brainwashing, corruption, insurrection, the ever looming climate crisis, and now war. And for me personally, I left a long-term relationship, moved home, jumped into another relationship, finished my Master’s degree, realized the new relationship turned out to be toxic, was let go from my boys club uncomfortable corporate job (they beat me to the punch), got triggered from a previous traumatic event, had a mental breakdown, sought mental health treatment, got back into teaching yoga and worked part-time, and then got offered a government job in another city. Whew… it’s been a lot to say the least.

People have been going through incredible changes in their lives these past couple years. Some good and wonderful, some bad and devastating. I’ve heard all sorts of stories, and I wonder how we are all able to get by. Support, friends, partners have helped tremendously. Relatable memes have also helped…

One major realization I’ve had is how unstable I’ve felt, even before the pandemic. I haven’t felt stable in years due to unresolved trauma and not taking time for me. Once I was able to get intensive mental health treatment, I finally had time to sit, process, and deal with things that I consciously and subconsciously tucked away. In the years prior, I was dealing with certain things and making progress in some areas, but I knew deep down there was more to be done.

September 2021. Day 28 of 42 at the mental health treatment center

It was tough work. The schedule consisted of classes Monday through Friday from 9am to 4pm that included Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Processing, Healthy Relationships, Nutrition, Music Therapy, Art Therapy, Horticulture, and Drumming. I learned about my triggers and their warning signs, why they’re there, using all sorts of new coping skills, how my mind works, my impulses, my attachment issues, how to deal with sleep issues, and more. It truly was a life-changing experience.

But mental health is a constant practice. Just now I’m really feeling that I’ve digested the majority of the experience, but not all of it. For someone like me who is a slow processor, it takes time. I’m still living at home, so becomes difficult to truly move forward because I’m constantly at odds with the idea that I’m failure. How I shouldn’t be living at home at 27. But I’ve realized that 1) the wealth disparity and wage issues are insane, and 2) so many people my age and even older are doing the same thing.

This new job, however, has validated my hard-work and resilience with my academic career, my ability to keep going despite the circumstances of my life, and the belief in myself. That’s another focus of mine—believing in myself more. Realizing I’ve been through hell and back, so I can do anything I set my mind to. The words joyful, excitement, thrilled or relieved don’t quite capture this feeling I have… Just a “I knew it!” That this opportunity was out there and will be recognized by someone who values my skills and will compensate me accordingly. That I will eventually have my own place, and, most importantly, I will feel stability. In my mind and in my body. I’m ready and eager to start this next chapter!

Tag: mental health

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